May 29, 2012

Music: Rollin, by State of Shock

So here was are, up to my 2nd blog post!!! It was a very busy weekend, working and going out pretty much every night, but I enjoyed spending time hanging out and going to the movies with Dale.... Men in Black 3 was actually pretty good! 

So my first day off today and I slept in... Definitely needed to catch up on the sleep, as my boss found it funny to have me on opening shifts all weekend :) 

I was going to talk about other things, but I think I might touch on my mother tonight... I haven't talked to her in a few weeks and my life feels more positive for doing so.  I met Dale's soon to be ex wife the other night. And the way she spoke to him made me have painful flashbacks to how my mom talked to me as a kid and growing up. Belittling someone to make yourself feel better...and not just simple stuff such as commenting on people at Wal-Mart and how gross looking they are... this was straight up belittling to get a high/rush off of it. I bit my tongue, but the tears came out after she left.  I just hope she doesn't talk to Dena that way... Because I know what I went through and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

Stuff I distinctly remember my mom saying to me.... At age 5 or so she told me "Fatty fatty 2 by 4, can't fit through the kitchen door."  And those that have known me for a long time know that I was never fat as a kid..I was tall, and wasn't skinny minnie, because I was athletic.   I remember going up to Mrs. Bow at First Baptist and saying the same thing, and got a spanking from my dad for that one! I later told him about it and he laughed, but he wasn't happy with the way my mom treated me. 

More recently, after I moved back home and in with her, she felt it was her place to control me because I screwwed up financially and had to move back to Michigan, and in with her. I don't think she ever learned how to communicate with people - she feels that belittling them makes her feel better, and she thinks she's better than everyone else.  She has lost all her friends because she doesn't talk them after she doesn't have a use for them. She rarely talks to her family, unless she needs something.  It's a sad, pathetic existence. 

The smoking has been what has upset me most over the years. I am allergic to it - but she never believed me. I developed asthma as a teenager..do you think she quit smoking in the house or car because of that? Nope. I realize it's a horrible addiction, but shouldn't you do what it takes for your child to be healthy?  She took all the credit for me being good at tennis..yet she wasn't the one who was at all my tournaments, who took me to the tournaments that were out of town, and who came up to Saginaw Valley to watch me play...

In fact, that is something else that bugs me... I was in Saginaw 3 years when I went to college.. She came up to visit me exactly 2 times... Once to watch a tennis match, the other for Christmas with my dad. 2 times in 3 years, and it was a 2 hour drive. 

I talked to my dad tonight and we reminisced about all the trips we took down to Tennessee.  That was just the highlight of my childhood, and I loved spending that time with my dad.. He remembers me sleeping in the backseat, or reading my book and listening to music..Or just talking... It is one of the best memories I have of spending time together with my dad. The other was going to tennis tournaments and him watching me play....and then when I was losing or the match was close, him moving further and further away from the fence cause he was so nervous!! 

Other good memories with my dad were going to MIS and to the NASCAR races twice a year, going to the auto show, and going out to the car dealer on the weekends and looking at cars. My 2 favorites that I always wanted was a Mustang GT (1989-1991) with the blue and grey paint job, or the Merkur XR4Ti... We saw the Mustang I liked out on Woodward this weekend, and Dale has an XR4Ti...small world, huh? 

So the people who have been close to me throughout my life (Julie, Kim, Rachel, Tonya, Dave, etc) KNOW from personal experience that my mom puts up a good front to others.  I am grateful for her allowing me to live with her for the 4 years that I did after I came back from Colorado. But it was still tough, and she treated me like I was 15 because I "failed" and had to move back home. Life happens and it's how you pick up the pieces and move forward that makes it work. I don't want to seem like an ungrateful brat who doesn't appreciate what her parents did for her...but there is just so much more to the story.

So I'm back to working through things, trying to figure out how to tell my mom to buzz off without being rude, but I simply cannot have that toxicity in my life. Yes, she is my mother, and I will love her for that.. but sometimes when you make your bed, you have to lie in it. 

I am looking forward to a few fun things happening this summer...they include:

     - Seeing Julie and Mason and Grace when they come to town in a few weeks!

     - Hopefully seeing Kim again if she comes up in July!

      - Taking a road trip down to my dad's and hopefully down to Florida to see Michelle Hehl, my old babysitter!

      - And finally, the big trip to New York to my niece's wedding and seeing my family in October! I booked the hotel rooms this weekend and we're getting tickets in August for flying out there...Dale's first time on an airplane - I hope to God he doesn't barf! LOL!  

I'm going to write another blog entry in a few days - taking a page from my wonderful friend Kim Edwards and talk about relationships that I have been through in my life and how they have shaped my life... Should be an interesting trip down memory lane!!!   

Please let me know if you enjoyed this blog.. I love feedback!

Amy