May 29, 2012

Music: Rollin, by State of Shock

So here was are, up to my 2nd blog post!!! It was a very busy weekend, working and going out pretty much every night, but I enjoyed spending time hanging out and going to the movies with Dale.... Men in Black 3 was actually pretty good! 

So my first day off today and I slept in... Definitely needed to catch up on the sleep, as my boss found it funny to have me on opening shifts all weekend :) 

I was going to talk about other things, but I think I might touch on my mother tonight... I haven't talked to her in a few weeks and my life feels more positive for doing so.  I met Dale's soon to be ex wife the other night. And the way she spoke to him made me have painful flashbacks to how my mom talked to me as a kid and growing up. Belittling someone to make yourself feel better...and not just simple stuff such as commenting on people at Wal-Mart and how gross looking they are... this was straight up belittling to get a high/rush off of it. I bit my tongue, but the tears came out after she left.  I just hope she doesn't talk to Dena that way... Because I know what I went through and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

Stuff I distinctly remember my mom saying to me.... At age 5 or so she told me "Fatty fatty 2 by 4, can't fit through the kitchen door."  And those that have known me for a long time know that I was never fat as a kid..I was tall, and wasn't skinny minnie, because I was athletic.   I remember going up to Mrs. Bow at First Baptist and saying the same thing, and got a spanking from my dad for that one! I later told him about it and he laughed, but he wasn't happy with the way my mom treated me. 

More recently, after I moved back home and in with her, she felt it was her place to control me because I screwwed up financially and had to move back to Michigan, and in with her. I don't think she ever learned how to communicate with people - she feels that belittling them makes her feel better, and she thinks she's better than everyone else.  She has lost all her friends because she doesn't talk them after she doesn't have a use for them. She rarely talks to her family, unless she needs something.  It's a sad, pathetic existence. 

The smoking has been what has upset me most over the years. I am allergic to it - but she never believed me. I developed asthma as a teenager..do you think she quit smoking in the house or car because of that? Nope. I realize it's a horrible addiction, but shouldn't you do what it takes for your child to be healthy?  She took all the credit for me being good at tennis..yet she wasn't the one who was at all my tournaments, who took me to the tournaments that were out of town, and who came up to Saginaw Valley to watch me play...

In fact, that is something else that bugs me... I was in Saginaw 3 years when I went to college.. She came up to visit me exactly 2 times... Once to watch a tennis match, the other for Christmas with my dad. 2 times in 3 years, and it was a 2 hour drive. 

I talked to my dad tonight and we reminisced about all the trips we took down to Tennessee.  That was just the highlight of my childhood, and I loved spending that time with my dad.. He remembers me sleeping in the backseat, or reading my book and listening to music..Or just talking... It is one of the best memories I have of spending time together with my dad. The other was going to tennis tournaments and him watching me play....and then when I was losing or the match was close, him moving further and further away from the fence cause he was so nervous!! 

Other good memories with my dad were going to MIS and to the NASCAR races twice a year, going to the auto show, and going out to the car dealer on the weekends and looking at cars. My 2 favorites that I always wanted was a Mustang GT (1989-1991) with the blue and grey paint job, or the Merkur XR4Ti... We saw the Mustang I liked out on Woodward this weekend, and Dale has an XR4Ti...small world, huh? 

So the people who have been close to me throughout my life (Julie, Kim, Rachel, Tonya, Dave, etc) KNOW from personal experience that my mom puts up a good front to others.  I am grateful for her allowing me to live with her for the 4 years that I did after I came back from Colorado. But it was still tough, and she treated me like I was 15 because I "failed" and had to move back home. Life happens and it's how you pick up the pieces and move forward that makes it work. I don't want to seem like an ungrateful brat who doesn't appreciate what her parents did for her...but there is just so much more to the story.

So I'm back to working through things, trying to figure out how to tell my mom to buzz off without being rude, but I simply cannot have that toxicity in my life. Yes, she is my mother, and I will love her for that.. but sometimes when you make your bed, you have to lie in it. 

I am looking forward to a few fun things happening this summer...they include:

     - Seeing Julie and Mason and Grace when they come to town in a few weeks!

     - Hopefully seeing Kim again if she comes up in July!

      - Taking a road trip down to my dad's and hopefully down to Florida to see Michelle Hehl, my old babysitter!

      - And finally, the big trip to New York to my niece's wedding and seeing my family in October! I booked the hotel rooms this weekend and we're getting tickets in August for flying out there...Dale's first time on an airplane - I hope to God he doesn't barf! LOL!  

I'm going to write another blog entry in a few days - taking a page from my wonderful friend Kim Edwards and talk about relationships that I have been through in my life and how they have shaped my life... Should be an interesting trip down memory lane!!!   

Please let me know if you enjoyed this blog.. I love feedback!

Amy

The First Blog....

Friday, May 25, 12:15AM

Music: Brena, A Perfect Circle

So, taking a cue from my friend Kim, I have decided to start my own blog.. I am doing this somewhat for a selfish reason. I feel that it will be very cathartic in dealing with the major decisions I have had to make recently to make my own life better. Music has always been an important part of my life. I connect with it, it speaks to me, and it helps me interpret my own feelings. The song choice that I am listening to while writing these blogs is not coincidental. Check out the song on YouTube to understand more.

So, most of you reading are already my friends :) However how much do you really know about me?

Yes, I was born on December 23, 1977 (yes it sucks..people don't get pregnant in March!). My parents are Jerry and Karen Harber. I was born and raised in Monroe, MI, on a wonderful street called Cranbrook, where I met my 2 bestest friends and sisters in life, Julie and Kim. Of course there are many people that came and went, some whom I still talk to, but they have been the constant in my life. I graduated from Monroe High in 1996, went on a tennis and academic scholarship to Saginaw Valley State, graduating in 1999. Since then, I have been going through life, making a lot of 180 degree turns until I find what it is I truly want.

I have the best dad in the world. I know there are those that beg to argue, but of course it's based on perspective. My dad has sacrificed everything to ensure that I was raised well, that I was smart, that I knew right from wrong, and that I could do anything that I put my mind too. He never belittled me, he never treated me different because I was a girl, and I'm sure he wanted a boy at some point. I was everything to him, and I still am. I'm just okay with sharing him now with my stepmother who is an amazing woman.  I am sure I will blog a lot about my dad, but suffice to say, those that know how also know what a good hearted man he is. 

My mother is another story. Many don't know the truth behind her. She puts on an AMAZING act for everyone. She deserves an Oscar. She is also the reason I have been in and out of therapy since I was 19 years old, and on and off anti-depressants. Much of this blog will revolve around me trying to put her toxic behavior behind me and moving forward in my life. 

The funny thing about Julie and Kim....our dad's were our primary parent growing up. They sacrificed their own happiness and life to put us forward in life. They were always going to be there for us. We always searched for a man, a partner in life that would make our dad's proud, and who would even be able to hold a feather to them. We put them on a pedestal, and they lived up to everything we expected from them. Our dads were going to be around forever, we never really put into perspective about life and death. Then Jack died suddenly 4 years ago in October. And suddenly, it was real. Our dads weren't going to be around forever. He was a surrogate dad to me as well, and to all of us. It was nearly as painful as it would be to lose my own. We grew up. Reality set in. 

So here I am today. I have decided to finish a degree in Human Resource Management at Eastern Michigan University. I now live on my own, have a great job at Advance Auto Parts as an Assistant Manager, and a job I actually like! Although friends come and go, I still have Julie and Kim. I have also added another best friend to my inner circle named Dale. I'm sure I'll talk about my friendship with him at some point.  But these three friends know me, they know the good and the bad and they accept me for who I am. No questions asked. Of course I'm sure there are a few shanks involved (inside joke), and I'm sure Kim and Julie have shaken their head at some of my antics as much as Dale has, but that is what a true friend does. 

~Amy